


Sit Back

by spencerreidiculous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Cum Eating, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fingerfucking, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), I hope no one I know finds this, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Making Love, Masturbation, Naked Female Clothed Male, Oral Sex, Pet Names, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Sex in Space, Smut, Top Kylo Ren, guess im moving to like guatemala, if anyone in real life finds this im dead, ignorance, im paranoid - Freeform, like for real im scared id email it to my entire contacts list, lovemaking in the command shuttle, sub!Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spencerreidiculous/pseuds/spencerreidiculous
Summary: You're a Major on Starkiller base, dedicating your life to serving the First Order.But it seems as if a strange connection gravitates you towards the creature under a mask. How will things play out when he notices you?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 26
Kudos: 32





	1. You're nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fix Your Attitude](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5961706) by [kassanovella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kassanovella/pseuds/kassanovella). 



> Hey guys! Thought I'd give this idea a shot, because I haven't seen too many things revolving around the reader being a higher ranking officer! I wanted to address some things that concern me about the world too, so I hope that whoever you are, reading this, the world becomes a better place soon.  
> This is going to have a bunch of chapters, so sit back ;) and relax. 
> 
> (Don't worry, this is gonna get frisky, patience is virtue.)  
> P.S : While I was inspired by Kassanovella's FYA, (Which i ABSOLUTELY adore, I tried to stay respectful and not use her influence too much in this fic!)

That morning was the last time your life would be normal. While you rummaged through your closet, looking for the cleanest, newest looking uniform you could find, you practiced reciting an update on your latest work, in case you needed it.  
“The front on Kashyyyk has been stable and due to excellent strategy, fighters were able to intimidate resistance groups-“  
Is intimidate the right word? Should I be more aggressive, maybe… subdue?

Your quarters seemed colder, emptier than usual. They’re grey and felt like the exact opposite of your childhood room. Of course, you shouldn’t complain, your quarters were far more comfortable than most of the other ones on Starkiller, but you missed your old cozy bedroom. Goosebumps appeared all over your skin as you took off your sleeping robe, the cold air in your sleeping quarters reminded you that this place wasn’t meant to make you feel at home, or happy. Your datapad informed you that your meeting with some of the most important people on the Starkiller base was starting in 20 minutes. Looking at the entry once again made you nauseous. Yes, you have had important meetings before, but never anything to this extent. General Hux liked to taunt you bi-weekly, while other meetings usually went by smoothly. But today was different, today every person with influence and power (and no issue with making you lose your job or your life if you pissed them off just enough) would sit at one table. You didn’t understand why you, a medium grade Major would be made to sit a meeting like this. 

To be exact, 4 days ago, as you were planning a new approach to a minor attack you were leading, nothing too big, too intimidating, you got a notification on your data pad informing you of said meeting. You felt a big knot form in your throat as you opened the message to look for further information. But all that showed up on the screen was the attendees of the meeting and the time. Names like Hux and Phasma stood out though, because just the thought of having to sit a discussion in the presence of those two made your shoulders feel heavy and your stomach turn. One wrong statement, or even one wrong movement, a flinch, and your integrity was questioned. Not only because you were a Major surrounded by the highest-ranking officers of the First Order, but also because you were just a girl. Yes, to be fair technically you’re a full-grown adult, a couple of years out of your teens, you still felt like that 16 year old innocent girl, joining the First Order Academy after your parents fought for your way in there. Sure, it felt intimidating but at that time you felt like you could take the world on, like it was time to bring things into order and that you were the one to do that. Of course, now you know better. Nothing really lies in your hands. The Emperor, the General and Commander, all they want the rest of us to believe is that we hold some sort of power, so that we put the ones with less power in their place. But it’s a vicious circle, everyone is made to believe that they hold the power. You were convinced that even the widely feared Commander Ren, only had the power he was given by the Supreme Leader, but led to believe that he was as powerful as he wanted to be. Naturally that leads to problems with one’s ego, especially problems that lead you to be a huge dick, like Hux, who has the biggest and most fragile ego out of all of them. 

You didn’t even realize that you had put on your dark-teal uniform while you went off on the same rant as always in your thoughts, but you closed the final buttons and tugged at the belt in an attempt to close it in a comfortable way, but you failed, just like always. The belt was stiff and cut just at the end of your ribcage, leaving you with a constant state of raised shoulders and stiff breathing. You tried to lift your ribcage as much as you could to avoid the pain it was causing you. But this was the least of your problems right now. You had just shy of 10 minutes to finish up and rush to the command center. While Starting to breathe more heavily, perhaps because of your belt or maybe, just maybe because you were shitting yourself, you checked yourself in the mirror. Making an attempt to look as professional as you could, you quickly ripped through the knots in your hair and tugged it into a ponytail, brushing back any stray hairs that would expose you as the lazy kid you truly were. The final touch, your hat that fit snugly on your head, that, when you take it off at the end of the day, would always leave your hair with a dent in it. As you checked your appearance a final time, making sure that every detail was in order and correct, you made your way out of the sleeping quarters and into the empty hallways. None of the lower grade workers on Starkiller were allowed to roam these Hallways. You had only gotten your position as Major a couple months prior, as the prior Major had massively messed up a (in your opinion, really easy) mission and was quickly dismissed. No one has heard of him since, but they needed a replacement and I was the closest thing to what they were looking for, but I’m sure they would have preferred someone more intimidating, perhaps not a young girl in her early twenties who looks like she couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone kill entire troops of fighters, or lead a team properly. But your efforts had paid off and you got the job your parents only dreamed of getting. To be fair, you had no friends in your station, where most officers would only push you around and only your little command troop was mostly afraid of you (perhaps because you could just rat them out to Hux, so basically, they weren’t really even afraid of you).  
As you made your way down the hallways, making sure to keep a straight face, you held your arms behind your back to help your breathing. The heavy leather boots you were wearing left echoes of small thuds behind you, which was the only thing you heard, besides your incredibly loud thoughts. 

Then, suddenly, you were there. You stood beneath the tall doorframe of the Command Center, which was guarded by two stormtroopers who didn’t recognize your presence, but stared blankly at the space in front of them, gripping tightly to their guns, like always. Not that they knew how to use them anyways. You had to hold back a chuckle, as that would make them lose any respect they would have had left for you. As you took a deep breath, you checked the time on your data pad. With five minutes remaining you were just in time, leaving a couple of moments to prepare yourself. Looking at the stormtrooper to the right, clearing your throat to get his attention (of course you knew he was already aware of you, but he was too careless to look at you). He stared you down, without saying anything. 

“I am Scheduled for a conference with General Hux at 6.30.” You said in the most assertive tone you could spit out. Stormtroopers were usually a pain in the ass to deal with. 

“Rank?” He said in what sounded more like a statement, and less of a question.  
“Major, currently working on strategizing on the front near Kashyyyk.”  
You wondered if you had said too much, but his gaze made you feel like you had to validate yourself. Like all the times at the Academy when you would get marked on your performances and the Admiral stared you straight in the eyes, with a questioning gaze, not believing that you got the highest grade in that particular assessment. Even though you had proven your integrity and competency to the entire group and the Admirals, you were still doubted. You knew it was because of who you were and how you looked. I mean, how could one of the only girls in the class pass the valuation, let alone highest of her class? That was one of many reasons you were mainly alone at the Academy, which you weren’t used to. Back home you had a tight knit group of friends, your family loved you and you had a good life, a happy life, not having any idea of what was going on in the universe around you and what you were getting yourself into. 

“Approved.” The trooper said moments after checking his data pad and staring you down. 

You raised your head, rolled your shoulders back, while still keeping them tensed up and entering the hallway that was opened in front of you now. The sliding door shut so close behind you, that the hush of wind touched your neck. One last time, you tightened your ponytail and made your way to the part of the Command Center your conference was being held at. You’ve been here two, maybe three times. So far, you’ve only had good news to deliver in this Command Center. Even though Hux might not like to admit it, you’re a good Major, you do your job outstandingly, you rarely, if ever get distracted and you’re professional. But all that is grossly dismissed by who you are on the outside. 

You remembered the way to the conference area. Just as you sat down your muscles flinched as you felt the ice-cold metal beneath you. Trying to escape the harsh feeling you moved to the edge of the chair. With your shoulders up, your chin raised and your legs stiff, you closed your eyes and tried to calm yourself. Your hands were intertwined, while one of your thumbs was stroking the other. A method you had learned from your mother shortly before you left for the Academy. Thus, letting you relieve anxiety and stress in a subtle way, instead of bouncing your leg or biting your lip like you used to. Above all, your mother had an eye for detail. She made sure to never forget something and to keep everything in order, no matter how small the detail. You thought about your breath, in through the nose and out through the mouth, which you repeated a couple of times. 

“Make sure everything’s in order before they arrive, you’re lucky they’re late and you’re even more fortunate, that I am not as gruesome as they are. And where is she, that little stuck up brat better not be-“ The nasal voice stopped abruptly as Hux caught your gaze and furrowed his eyebrows. You flinched and jumped out of your chair as he appeared in the room followed by two stormtroopers trying to keep up with his annoying commands.  
“General Hux.” You greeted him in a calm manner, knowing that is the only way to keep him from critiquing you. 

“Major.” He responded with a slight eyeroll, which you noticed nevertheless, as you were still your mother’s daughter. 

“This Conference is of upmost importance as Commander Ren will be joining us today and he will no doubt spare no anger on us. I need you to keep the… whatever you always do, to a minimum today. Angering me is one thing, but angering Ren another, as he on the contrary does not know how to deal with his frustration like I do. So, behave.”  
It felt like he said all of that in one breath, but all you could hear was Commander Ren.  
He wasn’t on the plan… What is this whole thing all about?  
You’ve never seen him, but you’ve heard plenty. All the times people have witnessed his lash outs, all the times he swung his saber against the metal walls of this very Base in rage, all the times he screamed his lungs out at officers for any sort of mistake. As a result, your face got white, your hands sticky and the cutting of your belt into your ribcage just felt about ten times worse now. 

“Co- Commander Ren will be joining us? General, with upmost respect, I don’t see why I’m attending this conference today. It seems like these are matters beyond my position.” You spat out, trying to adjust your belt as you stared at Hux’ boots. 

“Stop questioning your superiors, Major. It has to do with the mission you’re working on and other matters.” Hux sat down at the opposite side of the table you were standing at, staring you down until you took a seat. 

Grabbing your hand again and stroking your thumb, now faster, you remembered to respond.  
“Yes, General.” 

Shortly after Phasma stormed into the room, accompanied by two troopers and soon the rest of the attendees also filled the table. Everyone except Ren. Hux stood up and held his arms behind his back, strutting back and forth the room as he informed every one of the situation. 

“Commander Ren will be here shortly and we will be able to… discuss this matter.”

Nobody in the room cared to acknowledge your existence. Some of the lower ranking attendees shot you a glance as they came in, but they were nevertheless still ranks upon ranks above you. Many of these faces you’ve never even seen before. Why were you at a meeting with officers that were in completely different sectors than you? Your job was simply to strategize in small missions, usually against tiny groups of rebels. But you couldn’t think about that, your head was steaming hot, you felt like you were standing under the ion exhaust of the finalizer, the heat expanded from your neck down to your legs. Only waiting for the moment a drop of sweat would roll down your forehead, you tried to catch your breath, but it seemed impossible. 

You’ve always had a strong opinion about Kylo Ren, but now that it actually comes to meeting him, you’ve lost all your confidence. You thought you could stick up to him if you ever met him, but there is a chance you won’t be able to introduce yourself let alone give him a piece of your mind. But nevertheless, you thought that Kylo wasn’t as tough as he seemed, or at least not as… mindless as everyone thinks. He probably still had some piece of humanity, youth, innocence in him, just like you. No matter how hard you try to let go of your memories, or your behaviors that you’ve adopted throughout your childhood, some of them will always show. You believed that Kylo had that in him, there was no way someone could just be a monster, right? Of course, you couldn’t talk about this to anyone, people would think you’re insane. 

Suddenly the room is filled with silence, it felt as if a heavy blanket had set over the room, as if someone took away your ability to breathe. Kylo Ren stomped into the room, and his black robes were all you could see. He was tall, huge, actually. Ren walked up to Hux and loomed over him for a second, before scanning the room. But you had no idea if he was angry, or content or even happy (most likely not), since his face was hidden behind that helmet everyone mentions when they tell you stories about him. In your opinion he was a bit of a coward for wearing that thing all the time, but if he ever heard you say that he would probably demolish you with his lightsaber. 

For a moment it felt like Ren’s brooding stare locked on you, even if it was just for 2 or 3 seconds. But your eye for detail never fooled you. Although, maybe today would be the day, because there would be no way that Kylo Ren even acknowledged your existence. He’s far too much of an asshole to do that. Kylo didn’t bother to take a seat, he simply crossed his arms behind his back as his presence basically dripped with tension, he had control of the entire room, just by standing there. 

“As you all should be aware, your collective incompetence to complete your tasks has led to a strain in several fronts. This futile behavior will have consequences which every single one of you will be held accountable for.”

The heavy strain on your shoulders lifted as your vision went slightly blurry, how could he say that? Your work on the Kashyyyk front had been more than exceptional in the past weeks, you had everything under control. It was ridiculous, once again you were being punished, without having done anything wrong. You laughed quietly. It was more of some sort of a short huff of air out your nose that was barely perceptible. Without having to look you felt the piercing gaze of Kylo burn into your neck. Had you really just done that? Maybe you were as stupid as everyone made you out to be. What had gotten into you? Since nobody was even twitching a muscle, let alone saying anything, you peeked up at Kylo.  
The tension could have been cut with a knife. In your mind the room felt like it flooded with water, you wanted to get away, but there was no escape. As long as you were under his stare you had no will, no choice. As if you didn’t already have enough trouble breathing, you felt as if you were in the deepest waters of the ocean. 

“Is something entertaining, major?” 

Blank. 

There was nothing in your head. Was he really talking to you? No, you’re imagining things. A thick sheet of sweat formed on your forehead and under your arms, accompanied by a hard lump that blocked your throat. 

“I…” 

Blank, nothing. I’m speaking to the one and only Commander Ren and I sound like an idiot. He’s going to fire me, or worse. What if he kills me, right now, right here? He could just take his lightsaber out and impale me, that’s how easy it would be for him. Just another Tuesday morning. You know what? I would love to be killed, right now, right here. I’ll never recover from this anyways-- Stop thinking! Just say something.

You swallowed hardly and felt like everyone could just watch the lump descend down your throat for what felt like an hour. 

“I’m sorry Ky- … Commander Ren.” Not wanting to say too much, as it would most likely just make the situation worse and ruin your reputation even more, you shut up. But Kylo’s stare didn’t stop, it was as if he was waiting for you to explain yourself.  
At this point the rest of the stares didn’t matter anymore, all you could see was him. In better words, his helmet. Seeing him would require seeing emotions, expressions and, you know, regular human things. 

“I guess I just don’t see how, um… my work is -bad-… In my opinion it’s been more than excellent actually.”

Although short-lived your streak of confidence, if you want to call it that, may have been, you didn’t regret your words. Another moment of silence led you to question what to do next. You shuffled in your seat and crossed your arms, hoping to give yourself at least a little bit of comfort. 

But Kylo was just staring at you. Even though it was probably for a couple of seconds, to you it felt like time, feeling, emotions, breathing and everything else had stopped. 

“Your opinion? Your opinion doesn’t matter, major. Especially since I can tell that you are a naïve, emotional, insolent girl with a lack of patience and a massive crater for respect in your behavior towards your superiors.”

The louder his voice grew, the deeper it got. He wasn’t screaming yet, but this was intimidating enough. But before you could even process the things he’d just said, he stepped closer. With each heavy, slow thud that came from his boots, you sank deeper into your seat. He was standing only inches from your chair.

“You…” 

His voice was quiet, as if only you were meant to hear it. His arm extended towards you, grabbing the backrest of your chair. All you could focus on was his leather glove, that was just inches from your neck. The only thing you could bring yourself to look at were your hands, but you didn’t have to see his head, or his shoulders, to feel his tension. Slowly he turned your seat, so that you faced him. However, your eyes were still locked on your hands, which were now resting on your lap. He was so close that you could smell him, or see the details of his robe. 

“You’re nothing.”

His hand hadn’t moved. But for some odd reason you didn’t feel as threatened as when he was standing on the other side of the room. Instead of feeling trapped, you felt comforted by his arm.  
What’s wrong with me? 

“You’re expendable.”

His other hand found its way in front of your face, pointing. 

“A resource, we can replace.” 

His head inched closer to you. 

“You’re nothing.”

That was the last thing he whispered through his helmet. His voice sounded rigged through that thing, but you could tell he wasn’t exactly furious with you anymore.  
As you tilted your head up, you analyzed the cold metal on his helmet, taking in all the details, and finally, fixing your gaze upon the black hole where his eyes are supposed to be. 

Suddenly you felt a slight, high pitched ringing in your head. Great— all of this and a migraine. But this was not the time to think about a headache. 

Was there anything human, truly human, behind this void? As you held your stare upon him, you found yourself wondering what would happen if you just… touched him, his shoulders, his chest. What would he feel like? Did anyone ever touch him in that way? A wave of heat flooded your body and you squeezed your legs together. With flushed cheeks you averted your gaze back to your lap, hoping this entire thing would end soon. The ringing in your head grew louder, the lights in the room felt brighter, everything was… too much. 

And in the blink of an eye all tension had dropped, he rose back up, crossed his arms behind his body and marched away from you. With that, the ringing ended. 

Finally, you let out a heavy breath. You just can’t wait to go back to your quarters and sleep this off. 

“Whoever fails to meet the standards will be replaced in the coming days. General Hux and I will be keeping a close eye on all of you. Let’s hope, for your sake, you don’t behave idiotic.” 

Behave idiotic? If my work isn’t good enough now, it sure won’t be good enough with the pressure of Ren or Hux breathing into my neck -- I’m fucked!

Wanting to take a last look at him, you gazed up from your hands, but he had already disappeared. 

“Dismissed.” Hux spat out before sticking his nose up in the air and strutting out of the room with some stormtroopers. But your hearing was drowsy, you felt as if you hadn’t slept in 3 days. You didn’t want to move, or you couldn’t, either way, you were the last one left in that room. 

Somehow you carried yourself out to the hallways, not producing a single thought other than repeating the words that were said to you.

You’re nothing. Replaceable. Insolent. Naïve. 

Finally, you crushed your body onto your bed and relieved every muscle. His words went through your mind again, and again, and again, until they didn’t sound like words anymore. 

THUD – THUD – THUD –

“Hello!? Major!” An eerily familiar voice woke you from your nap. 

What time is it? Who is that? How fucking long did I sleep? Why does my head hurt so much?

As you jerked yourself out of bed you squinted at the door, wondering whether you should just act like you weren’t even there. After all, it was your day off – besides the meeting of course – so it could wait. Probably.

No, you couldn’t afford to look lazy, especially not after that whole ordeal this morning. After quickly pressing your hair flat with your hands in an effort to not look like you just woke up, you pressed the button to slide open your door. A stormtrooper, holding on lazily to his datapad, looked you up and down.

“Oh –wow—uh.. sorry, I expected a guy opening the door. Whatever. Commander Ren requests to see you immediately at the docking bay.”

“Wait – what? Me?” But before you could even ask a proper question the stormtrooper had already walked off. Fuck, these guys were really useless. 

Why on earth does he want to see me? Is he going to fire me now, for real? Maybe he didn’t want to kill me in front of all those people… Why does he want to meet me at the docking bay, I thought we had conference rooms for a reason…


	2. Hiding in Plain Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find out why Kylo requested for you to meet him at the docking bay, and you sure didn't expect for things to go down like that.  
> On the bright side, at least you got the chance to see some familiar faces.

# Hiding in Plain Sight

Kylo Ren had requested your presence at the docking bay, immediately. Your mouth felt like the sandy, hot desert you grew up in, your head was still pounding and you just wanted to lay back down and keep sleeping. Ignoring your fatigue, you made your way down the halls towards the docking bay. The walls of the hallways seemed blurry and breathing the cold air of Starkiller was like breathing poison. At this point, you felt like a prisoner. No way to go home, no way to make this place your home.

_What’s going to happen to me, if I get dismissed? I mean, I’ve heard the stories, but there’s no way they’ll just let me go home… I don’t even want to think about all the things that could happen to me…_

There you were, frozen, in front of the docking bay. Every bone in your body was made of stone. The belt was still cutting into your ribcage, every breath you tried to take got stuck in your throat. There he was, Kylo Ren. You’d love to believe that you weren’t afraid of him after what happened, but the way you felt standing by the docking bay, made you believe otherwise.

_Go… Just walk in there, get it over with. The longer I wait, the angrier he’s gonna be. Fucking pull yourself together already!_

No matter how hard you tried to convince yourself, screaming at yourself, your body wouldn’t move. All you could think about was Kylo. A thick fog of darkness covers your mind when you think of him, someone turned the lights in your mind off and you were all alone in there with him. The busy noises from the officers and stormtroopers working at the docking bay were muffled and a loud high-pitched tone flooded your ears. Your hands flew to your ears and your eyes shut close, but that was no help, the sound was in your head.

Something was different this time. An imagination started to form in your head, which you had no control over; it was dark, the same shade of black and the same feeling in your stomach when you think of Kylo. You had to slow down your breathing, every breath you took disrupted the imagine in your head. Something was moving in the void. Before you could realize what happened, the figure turned around and revealed Kylo. His helmet was dripping, or was it melting? The gooey liquid was splashing down his shoulders and his robe. Heavy stomps echoed behind as he took slow steps towards you, but the high-pitched screeching grew louder and louder the closer he came. The noise flooded your head and it felt exactly like that one time, when you got drunk with your two best friends off of a bottle-of-whatever liquid you bought off of a smuggler. Kylo stopped. His helmet still dripping thick liquid, but your vision was too blurry to make out the parts underneath the helmet that had become visible. He said something, but it was far too suppressed to comprehend. _What the hell did he just say?!_ The harder you tried looking, the blurrier the vision became. The noise became muffled and the image started fading away, pulling Kylo into the void with it. You tried holding on to it, you had to see what was underneath it. But it was gone. As you opened your eyes slowly, blinded by the lights above you, the realization came to you that you had in fact sunken to the ground. Quick, dry breaths were escaping your mouth and your hands were shaking. Cold sweat was covering your forehead and palms, but the worst thing by far, was that you could hear your own heart beating.

_  
Pull yourself together… What the fuck was that? I’m a mess. But I… don’t have time to deal with this right now. I have to go see him._

You lifted yourself off the ground, wiped the sweat on your forehead with your shaky hands and made your way towards the command shuttle where Kylo was standing.

_Play it cool… Relax… Don’t show emotion, just get it over with._

“Co- Commander Ren? Y- You asked for me?” You stuttered. Up until you were about 15 you had a stutter, most people used to bully you for it, which you learned to ignore, but only your best friends knew how to laugh about it with you. Hey, they wouldn’t be best friends if they didn’t make fun of you a little.

  
“Major.” The deep voice echoed from the helmet as he turned towards you, one hand gripping the hilt of his lightsaber that was attached to his side. You gulped at the sight of it. Your shoulders raised in hopes of escaping the sharp belt which was cutting into your ribcage, that suddenly hurt ten times more after seeing him.

He walked into the Command Shuttle, but the door didn’t close behind him.

  
_So, he calls me here, for no fucking reason other than to make me watch him leave? He didn’t even say anything to me. I’m going to lose it. I’m going to grab that lightsaber and stab myself right through the fucking stomach with it. Shit… even I know that’s a lie._

His voice blared through the shuttle: “Do I have to ask you again? Hurry up and get inside.”

“You never asked me…” You muttered to yourself as you stepped up the ramp.

He was sitting in the pilot’s spot, pressing buttons and, what looked like, preparing for taking off. You stood in the middle of the cockpit, still as clueless as before, when a hissing sound behind you startled you. It was just the ramp though, but considering how on edge you were, anything could scare you. Even though you were dying to know what the hell was actually going on here, there was no way you were going to start another conversation with him. You tried really, really hard to keep your mouth shut and just stare at your feet. That was the safest bet, after all.

“Sit down.” He said, without shifting his glance form the control-board. You glanced at the co-pilot seat, but shuffled reluctantly to the seating behind the cockpit.

“No, here.” This time he looked at you. After hesitating, you slowly crept your way to the co-pilot seat and took a seat. Your whole body was tensed up, your legs pressed together and your spine felt like it was made of wood. The shuttle began to whirr and the several buttons in the cockpit lit up. Your face was struck with awe, as your gaze followed his gloved hands navigate over the control panel. You’ve never flown in a shuttle like this. Suddenly the shuttle staggered forward and you were on your way. The view amazes you every time, no matter how many times you see it. But of course, you couldn’t let yourself have one moment of piece, because your mind was forcing you to deal with what happened by the docking bay. Back at the academy this had happened before. But not like this, not with what was going through your head. The realization came to you; that was a panic attack. Although at the academy you’d get them when something happened, not hours after. And you’ve never seen those kinds of… dreams in your head. Well, you couldn’t really call it a dream, it was more like a vision. Just thinking about it again made you fight for your breath again. Your fingers crept their ways under your belt, trailing the spots where it hurt the most. The short moment of relief gave you the chance to take a deep breath and relax.

Kylo glanced over. “How did you do that, today… at the docking bay?” His voice was softer, quieter than usual. Nevertheless, your fingers quickly let go of your belt and it cut into your skin like a knife once again.

“How did I do what?” You wondered if he was thinking about your panic attack, or more about what was going on in your head.

“You got in my head… I couldn’t control it, you took over. I couldn’t see your surroundings… Just you.” Even though he was wearing his helmet, you could see how he was staring at the way your fingers were fidgeting with your belt.

“I thought you did that, I mean- you were in my mind, too.”

“You had a panic attack.” He glared up at your face again, which made your cheeks flush with heat.

“I- Yeah… but how would you know that, you weren’t there.” You tugged harder at your belt.

  
“I saw you… In my mind. I saw you. How did you do that?” The echo of his voice that traveled through his helmet had grown louder, angrier. He sounded frustrated. You had no idea what to say, how to explain it. It was like talking to a wall.

“I don’t know, okay!? I wish I knew but I don’t, and it’s exhausting. Every time I’m around you I just… I-“ You started panicking and your breaths were quick and short. You felt your heart pounding against your chest again.

_Fuck, not again, I don’t want to do this again. I can’t do this again-_

Kylo stood up, the shuttle was on auto-pilot.

“Relax” He whispered quietly. Usually you were quite good at controlling your emotions, most of the time at least. But since encountering him, you had absolutely no control over yourself. It felt awful, you wanted to get yourself back. You started taking a couple of deep breaths, but your body wouldn’t let you, since it’s gotten so used to avoiding the pain from the uniform. You’ve tried on bigger belts before, that wasn’t the problem though; it fit you perfectly.

“Get up.” He was good at giving commands, you’ll give him that. You got up and raised your shoulders, facing him. He inched closer, without hesitation. His hands slowly creeped their way to your belt, closing the distance they haven’t dared to close so far, tracing the parts where it hurt the most with his fingers. The touch of his digits along those lines felt like it was healing them, sucking out all the tension and frustration as they grazed over them. His big hands were covered in black leather, yet they seemed so soft as they moved along your waist delicately. Was there really something human behind all those black layers of fabric and leather? After all, to you he is just a figure in a mask, not an inch of skin showing, no way to hear his voice, or see his eyes.

What made him want to hide like that?

“Calm down… You don’t have to be scared of me.” His fingers found their way to your belt buckle.

“I get those too sometimes… Panic attacks.” Was Kylo Ren actually being sweet for a change? He opened the buckle and all the pressure released off of your ribcage. The buckle hit the ground with a loud thud, but you didn’t let that interrupt your gaze upon him. You were looking at him, at his mask, imagining what was underneath. Without realizing it, your breathing had gone back to normal, but this time you didn’t have to tense your shoulders.

“I need to know how you get into my mind, why I see you all the time. What is connecting us?” The same questions over and over, but at this point it seemed more like he was asking himself, not you. His long digits crept their way back onto the spot where your belt sat, holding you delicately. Every inch of your body was now tingling, craving for those hands to touch it, feel it, discover it.

Usually you don’t like to be treated like you’re made out of porcelain, at the academy, or on Starkiller. But something was different with him, you liked the idea of having someone to trust, you haven’t done that in a long time. Giving someone all your worries, fears and hoping they’ll keep them safe, or at least care about them. Someone to protect you from your own mind. The fact that you don’t even know him, or what he looks like, was still in the back of your head, but this idea of Kylo being this person for you, felt like sinking into your bed after a long day of work.

“Maybe it has something to do with the-“ You shut yourself up before you said something stupid. No need to tell him all your secrets the same day you meet him.

“Something to do with what?” His grip on you got stronger and his head sunk closer to yours.

“It’s stupid. Forget about-“ He cut you off as he pushed you towards the wall of the shuttle, your head hit the back of the glass window and you groaned.

He pushed your hips harder against the window, which flushed your body with heat. “Something to do with -what- ?” He demanded.

_  
Why is this so important to him?_

“You read people’s minds all the time! Why is this so important to you?” You didn’t want to be pushed around by him like this, maybe he should answer some of your questions for a change.

He turned around, pacing back and forth the shuttle. “Not like this… Not this strong, and annoying. I can hear you, see you. I felt what you felt at the docking bay and I hated it. And since you’re too incompetent to control your emotions I need to know why this is happening.” You stood there, frozen.

“So…” He raised his hand and you instantly felt cold pressure around your neck. However, his fingers nowhere near your throat, in fact, there was nothing but thin air around your neck.

“You need to tell me what you know.” Only lifting his wrist, resulted in your feet got lifting off the ground and you were being pulled up by your throat, choking.

“Please… Kylo… Let- go-“ You stammered out as best as you could. But the pressure just got tighter and you gasped for air. A fire lit between your legs, god… for some reason, you wanted _him_ to put it out.

“It’s Commander Ren.” He spat out.

You couldn’t bear it much longer. “C- Commander… Ren… plea-“

Within a second your body hit the ground and you groaned. This fucking asshole is acting like a child.

“You need to get out of my mind.” He declared witch clenched teeth, before returning to the control-board.

“Dickhead.” You murmured quietly, while propping yourself back up and taking a seat next to him. You faced away from him the remaining couple of minutes of travel, staring at the universe. Somewhere out there is the place you grew up, your friends, family. But that’s behind you now, you have a proper job now, a purpose. He was pushing some buttons and soon, you were approaching a green planet. It looked like Kashyyyk. He landed the shuttle in the middle of a First Order base, Stormtroopers were swarming the place like ants.

“This is Kashyyyk. These are the stormtroopers that follow _your_ strategies. We’re conquering because of you. Most resistance fighters here have been wiped out because of you.” He said as you stepped off the ramp and looked around the base. His constant mood swings were starting to get on your nerves.

  
_I thought I did a terrible job, after what he said at the meeting…_

“I was talking to the other officers there, you were supposed to be a good example, but your impatience had to be punished.” He answered; but you didn’t say anything out loud. Fuck, this could become a problem…

“You were supposed to get a raise, to the rank of Colonel.” He pulled out a shiny badge, you couldn’t believe what you were seeing. Your entire career has been spent trying to prove that you were good enough. This little badge is a big “Fuck You.” to everyone who has doubted you so far.

Your mouth was gaping wide open in disbelief and your eyes seemed to have stars in them. “Wait- Really?!”

“Yes. But that does not mean that you can start slacking-“

Before Kylo could finish his sentence, the air flooded with panic. Stormtroopers were running in formations, screams and the echoes of blaster-fire were surrounding you. Kylo and you exchanged a quick look, which told you that he didn’t have any clue what was going on either. His hand flew to his lightsaber and the red, flaming blade lit up in front of you.

And then you saw them; An enormous wall of resistance fighters was crowding the base and shooting down unsuspecting stormtroopers, but you found yourself frozen once again. This was not in your training, you’re a non-martial strategist, not a fighter.

Kylo was guarding off bullets and shouting orders at the Stormtroopers around you, but everything sounded muted. You were frantically looking around, when you saw them. In the midst of the resistance group were two familiar faces, which made your stomach turn. They were Kenji and Mae, not a doubt in your mind. Memories flooded your brain from when you were running around the desert with them as little kids, pretending to be Jedi, like you’ve heard in all the bedtimes stories. Or the way they pretended to be happy for you, when you broke the big news about getting into the academy. Those were the people you spent your entire childhood with, and now you were basically war enemies. Kenji was limping, blood was streaming from his leg in rivers, but that wasn’t stopping him. He swung out his arm and revealed what he was holding; A thermal detonator was blinking red and he shouted something into the crowd, which was reciprocated by people cheering and Wookies screaming. Before you had the chance to do anything, Kylo was running towards you, shouting, yelling for you to run. Mae had finally spotted you, her beautiful chestnut hair was braided in two parts and her face was full of dirt and mud. The moment she saw you, she froze and her face turned the same color as the snow on Hoth. Kylo grabbed you by the shoulders and threw you to the ground, covering your body like a mountain just seconds before Kenji threw the detonator towards you.

_Everyone used to say the moons on your home planet were beautiful. But to you, the stars were much nicer. Nobody ever paid attention to them, they were blinded by the moons. Muloo and Kr’Droni. Mae was obsessed with them, every night she would go out and draw them, and hang up every single drawing in her room. Kenji thought we were both crazy, after all, there were more important things than some stupid moons and stars, according to him. But that didn’t stop him from sitting with us, every night, staring up at the galaxy. Back then, you had no understanding of how big the galaxy actually was and how many souls there were out there. That’s why you wanted to get out there, see everything there is to see. Leaving everyone behind though, was the only reason you ever doubted your decision to go to the academy. But everyone knew it, Kenji, Mae and especially your parents; Living off of repairing rusty, old droids was never going to offer you what you really wanted._

_Kenji used to say that there were two kinds of people in the galaxy: Dreamers and Survivors. Dreamers listen to their hearts and emotions, but Survivors just do what keeps them afloat. He claimed that one couldn’t live without the other; A Dreamer would get lost in their heart if a Survivor wasn’t there to remind him about real life. But a Survivor would lose themselves in practicality if a Dreamer didn’t remind him of the beauty in life. Mae was a dreamer, Kenji was a Survivor.Youou thought you were a Dreamer, but even though your hope of seeing the galaxy one day sounded like something crazy a Dreamer would make up, your way of doing it wasn’t very heartfelt. Joining the First Order was just… the most obvious way to get there. You sure as hell didn’t have the resources to buy a spaceship, nor could you fly one. And being all alone out there, as a girl, living day by day, just hoping to make it til’ tomorrow was too risky._

_  
Am I a Dreamer or Survivor?... Dreamer, or Survivor…_

You slowly opened your eyes, blinded by the faint lights above you. As you tried to prop yourself up, excruciating pain shot through your lower abdomen, which felt like a knife stabbing you. A groan escaped your throat, the feeling throwing you right back to the position you woke up in. Throbbing filled your head and you barely heard anything, except for some faint beeping and murmuring. Your fingers hovered over the painful spot delicately, trying to get a feel for what was wrong. As soon as your fingers grazed the wound they bolted back as if they had been struck by lightning, and you let out another grunt.

_Is that what a blaster wound felt like? What the hell happened? And why does my head hurt so fucking much?_

Before you could open your eyes again you drowsed off.

“Do you think she’ll be okay? She’s been out for a while now…” A female voice questioned. You peeked at her, only to realize it was Mae. She was bandaging Kenji’s leg, which reminded you of your own injury. Your hand went searching for the wound cautiously, but it was covered up with a bandage. You must’ve fallen asleep again. You sat up and held the back of your head, as it was still ringing. Both Kenji and Mae were staring at you for a moment, before Mae jumped at you and wrapped you in a tight hug.

  
“Careful Mae my wound!” You whined out in pain.

“What the hell were you doing on Kashyyyk, are you okay?” She exclaimed, perhaps a bit too loudly considering your head was about to burst.

  
“Kashyyyk? What are you talking about?” The last thing you remembered was being on the Command shuttle with-

“Wait, where’s Kylo, what happened?!” You shot out of your seat.

_Why the hell am I so worried about Kylo Ren?_

“Who, Kylo fucking Ren? The Commander of the First Order? Are you hearing yourself speak right now?” Kenji proclaimed from behind Mae, with a frown on his face. Your eyes locked with his, filling with guilt. You remembered what happened before you left for the academy, but now was not the time to let emotions get the best of you.

“Kenji, Mae… Since when are you with the resistance?” You tried switching the topic, but your worry about Kylo was still flooding your thoughts.

“After you left for the academy things changed at home… We had to do something, and becoming little slaves for the First Order sure wasn’t gonna be it. We had a chance to go with the Resistance-“

  
“So, we did.” Kenji stated angrily. Mae shot him an annoyed look.

“We got assigned to a group that was working with the Wookies on Kashyyyk, fighting back the First Order. So… That’s basically how we ended up there. But you? I thought you went to the academy for remote-strategy training, not to frontline alongside those dummy-Stormtroopers. That’s way too dangerous, we would’ve never let you go if we knew you’d risk your life like that!” Mae stumbled over her words, catching her breath at the end of her rant. Kenji scoffed and rolled his eyes, before walking away from the little corner you were cooped up in. Mae gave you a sympathetic simper, but she was never good at hiding emotions. She was sad, but you knew that years ago. However, you thought they would’ve gotten over it after all this time.

“I don’t even know … I’m still doing strategies, but Ky- the _Commander_ had taken me to Kashyyyk to show how well my troops were doing. Well, before you attacked, of course.”

You paused, recalling the way Kylo’s fingers trailed your waist, followed by how he choked you and dropped you to the ground. Was that short moment you shared with him who he really was, or is he just evil?

“Mae… I’ve missed you guys. So much. I know Kenji’s still mad about what happened… But I’ll figure it out. Besides, you guys look so grown up. I knew Kenji should’ve let his hair grow out, it looks amazing! But he never listened to me, And you! You’re… even prettier than I remember. God, I missed you two.”

You’d think talking about your friends’ look was the last thing on your agenda, but you didn’t want to deal with anything remotely more important than that. This was comfortable, this was somewhat like old times.

Except the part where you’re war enemies and Kenji isn’t talking to you, but… Minor details. 

  
Suddenly Kenji darted back into the corner, whisper-shouting: “Lay back down, someone’s coming!” You quickly jumped back onto the seat, acting like you were asleep, while Kenji and Mae fumbled to make it look like she was re-bandaging his leg.

“Admiral Cardar.” Mae nodded at the man passing by, who was making sure everything was going by smoothly.

He nodded back, pausing to take a look at what was going on. “Is this the First Order Major we captured on Kashyyyk earlier?” Mae nodded silently.

“She… hasn’t woken up yet, we’ll inform you as soon as something happens.” Kenji chimed in, providing more context in hopes of getting rid of the Admiral.

“Fine, I’ll be back shortly to check up.” The Admiral proclaimed, shooting you a final look before heading off.

Mae let out a loud sigh, giving Kenji a worried look.

“Where are we actually?” You had gotten back up already when you scanned your surroundings. You were surrounded by Resistance fighters in dirty uniforms and muddy faces.

“Resistance Transporter, we’re flying back to D’Qar.” Mae replied.

“What? No, I can’t go to D’Qar, they’ll just kill me there after torturing me, I’m the enemy here!” You exclaimed.

“Don’t worry, we have a plan.” Kenji reassured you. “You act like you’re passed out until we arrive, then we sneak you into Mae’s quarters on the west wing of the base, while everyone else is unloading the transporter.”

“And what if they ask where I am, on D’Qar? They know I got captured, they’ll want to question me.”

“Relax, we’ll just say we lost track of you after we landed, we’ll get in trouble but it’s happened before.” Mae explained, but something didn’t feel right about this plan, you had to find another way to get back on Starkiller. You had to know if he was alright.

_Maybe Kylo could help me out- No… I’m crazy, why would he? He doesn’t care, he said it himself. “You’re expendable.”_

The images of him standing in front of you, hand raised, robbing you of every breath you tried to take, kept replaying in your mind. You realized that you had clenched your jaw just thinking about what had happened. Shortly after, you began docking at D’Qar, now you had to figure out how to get back to Starkiller.

“Alright, we have to be quick. I’ll carry you out, just act like you’re still passed out. Mae, if anyone asks questions, say we’re taking her to the Commander.” Kenji explained. You nodded silently and climbed into Kenji’s arms. Mae gave you a reassuring smile and you put on your best poker-face, letting your arms droop down dramatically.

The sound of the ramp opening up made your stomach turn, after all, you were entering a base filled with all the people in the universe that hated you the most. What could possibly go wrong? Kenji was taking quick steps through the crowd that was chatting eagerly, and soon the smell of fresh air hit your nose. Moments later he came to an abrupt halt.

“What is all this about, Zapall?” A female voice asked sternly.

Kenji hesitated, but Mae jumped in and responded: “The Commander requested for us to bring him the… captive.” She responded, but she wasn’t a very skillful liar.

“Lieutenant Tetsku, I asked Zapall, didn’t I?” The female responded. A thin layer of sweat was beginning to form on your forehead and you could hear your own heartbeat throbbing in your ears.

You felt Kenji’s grip tighten on you. “Y- Yes. Captain, she’s right. Just bringing her to the Commander for interrogation.” He stuttered out.

There was no need for you to see it, you could feel the tension between the three of them.

After what felt like an hour of silence, the Captain responded sharply: “Fine. Proceed.”

Kenji let out a big sigh after she left and picked up his stride again. The rest of the walk went by smoothly and soon you arrived in Mae’s quarters. Kenji put you down again and you looked around the room. It wasn’t as grey as your quarters, not as cold, either.

  
“We made it… How’s your head feeling?” Mae questioned.

  
“Hurts a bit less, but the high-pitched ringing is still there…” You responded, rubbing the back of your head.

“Oh, I’m… sorry, we had no idea you were there, when we threw the detonator. I mean, you guys did sort of attack our base on Kashyyyk, but let’s not get into that. Anyways, I’ll go get you some water and something to eat, maybe you’ll feel better.” She announced. Her words felt weird, guilt overcame you, but you were doing your job, besides, you had no idea they even joined the resistance. She left the room and Kenji and you were left standing there. Silence fell over the room like a blanket.

“Kenji, I know you’re still mad at me… Look, I’m sorry. I’ve apologized about a million times by now. Can’t you forgive me already?” You stepped closer to him, trying to force eye contact with him, but he stared at his shoes.

  
“You know how much it would hurt me… And yet you still left. You abandoned me! All those years ago you made the choice that the Academy was more important than me, of course I’m gonna be fucking mad!” His voice shattered the quiet before it. You didn’t want to be reminded of what you did.

“I had no choice, Kenji. We were just teenagers, was I supposed to give up my entire future just for you? We would’ve broken up months later, you know it. Besides… Best friends should never date, everyone knows that…”

Your voice cracked and you felt your whole face heat up. The sight of him like that was silent torment, you tried to hold back the avalanche of tears that was building up in your eyes. Kenji wasn’t a very emotional person, you always knew that he didn’t like to talk about that kind of stuff. So, when he did talk about it, it made you feel like the first time you sold a droid that you fixed all by yourself as a child.

“We would have been happy. You’d be fighting on my side of the battle today.” His voice was soft now, he no longer seemed as furious as before. Kenji reluctantly took a step towards you, his body towering over yours. His fingers slowly inched to your chin, tipping your head up to face him. “I… still love you.” He whispered. This was the last thing you wanted to hear. Tension filled the air between your faces, you felt his eyes fix upon your lips, staring them down like they were prey for a predator in the wild. Suddenly his lips crashed onto yours, claiming them, hungry for their taste. Your hands traveled up to his chest, not knowing whether to rest them there or to push him away. Time stopped for a moment, when your lips embraced his. His hand crept to your lower back, pulling you in even further. His lips pressed harder onto yours, saying all the things he was unable to say. Without warning, his wet tongue darted into your mouth, frantically wrapping around yours with aggression and hunger. Instinctively you pushed him away from you, catching your breath like you’ve been underwater for hours. The avalanche of sadness you’ve been holding back broke out and warm tears streamed down your cheeks, accompanied by the awful ringing in your head that reached new levels of volume, you didn’t expect they could reach. Kenji was frozen, shame was written all over his face in big letters. For every tear you wiped off your face, ten new one’s rolled down your cheeks. Your chin trembled as you wondered what had just happened. For years you wished to kiss this boy, hold his face in your hands, know every thought that passed through his busy mind. Actually doing it though, felt like someone had ripped through your blaster-wound with a lightsaber. All the years of friendship you shared just shattered, leaving nothing but shame and remorse between you two. The moment you caught Kenji’s gaze with your own, he took off, leaving you alone in the room with all the broken pieces of friendship scattered around it. You sat down on Mae’s bed, letting your head rest on your hands and closing your eyes in an attempt to calm yourself down.

Darkness cloaked your mind, like the fog that filled the deserts at night, back home. The void that filled your mind was different this time though, the ground was flooded with water. It didn’t move, nor flow; it was just still, waiting for something else to move it. Out of the darkness Kylo appeared, watching you. You tried stepping forward, getting closer to him, but you were fixed. Droplets of water dripped from the sole of his boot, echoing through the void as he lifted his foot. Every sound your mind produced echoed against the walls of your head like a cave. He took another step, and then another, each one whirring up the water more and the closer he got to you, the blurrier your vision of him got. You opened your mouth, wanting to talk to him, but no sounds escaped your throat. It was only Kylo in your mind, you only existed as a viewer. He reached out his hand, it seemed so close, so easy to grab. But the more he inched towards you, trying to grasp you, the more the void took over. Soon there was nothing left. No water, no Kylo. _Nothing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrgghhhhhhhh, just the thought of his big hands on your waist, holding it. Kylo Ren, PLEASE step on my neck, seriously.  
> P.S. I'm already missing Kylo and this just happened.


	3. why did you come back for me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your brush with death seems to have ignited a flame for your saviour. But a back and forth of emotions leaves you strained for strength to keep going in your search for answers about the creature under the mask.

A blaring voice pulled you out of your daydream, if you could even call it that. There was nothing dreamy about it, it was more like a nightmare…

“Here you go Miss Major! Hey- where’d Kenji go?” Mae’s unintentional shouting wasn’t soothing your headache, but she meant well, balancing a plate full of food and a big jug of cold water in her hands. Hearing the word Major though, hit you across the face like a ton of bricks.

_“You were supposed to get a raise, to the rank of Colonel.”_ Kylo’s words echoed through your mind, your eyebrows sinking and your mouth forming into a frown. You felt like a little child, sitting there sulking in your own sadness. Were you more saddened by the fact that you might’ve lost your raise, or Kylo? – Believing it was about the raise made it easier to deal with, at least at the moment.

_I’ve been dreaming about getting that fucking raise since I started working there, the whole Kylo thing is like, not even a week old. I need to pull myself together and stop acting like a teenage girl… There are more important things than a man, for fuck’s sake. I was supposed to be Colonel!_

“Thanks, Mae… I- think he went to sleep. Hey, you must be pretty exhausted too!” Your body was like cement, every single muscle was frozen. Even when you felt Mae’s concerned-mom-stare cut into your neck, you couldn’t bring yourself to move on. First Kashyyyk, then whatever that just was with Kenji… Too many things were happening, and you were never good with dealing with emotions.

“What’s wrong babe?” Mae took a seat next to you, trying to catch your gaze with her dark eyes. Sometimes she’s just too positive, too naïve. Kenji’s dreamer theory makes a lot of sense sometimes…

“I just… really need to get home I think.” Lying’s difficult when it comes to Mae, she knows you too well. Of course, you’re not too eager to get back to Starkiller itself, but this was the first time you had something to look forward to back there. The thought that Kylo might hate you after all was still in the back of your mind, but hey, there’s that dreamer instinct shining through. You had to find out what he was feeling- or if he was feeling anything at all…

“Home? You refer to your First Order base as home?... I was hoping you hadn’t changed too much... Guess I was wrong.” Mae was in many ways like your mother, mastering the guilt technique really brought the whole mom-act together perfectly.

“You know what I mean… Anyways, thanks for the food Mae, but I think I might pass out soon, I’ll catch you in the morning?” You weren’t sure whether that was a lie or not.

“Alright… You can take the bed, I’ve got an extra mattress I can crash on, I don’t mind.”

She knew something was wrong, but maybe she’s had enough critiquing for one day.

_I still have no fucking clue how to get out of here. And considering Kenji isn’t around to help us out with a plan right now… fuck- I have to get away from this stupid planet tonight. Who knows what could happen to me tomorrow, but I’m sure I won’t be greeted with breakfast and flowers._

You turned your body towards the wall of her quarters, eyes wide open. Once Mae settled down, you crept out of the room. Darkness suffocated you, as you stepped into the cold hallway. Any little noise would’ve made your ghost leave your body at this point. 

You stopped in your tracks, every single muscle in your body tensing up and every breath as quiet as possible. The hairs on your neck stood up, as if you were about to be brutally attacked by a cherfer. Your stomach had dropped and fear was choking you, robbing you of your breath. You crouched down behind a stack of crates, begging the universe to let you live. Every breath that escaped your mouth, felt like it would be heard in the entire galaxy. You waited, and waited. But there was nothing, no one… Yet you were so sure that you felt something. Every step you took after this was quicker than the one before, leading you out towards the forest that surrounded the area. Nothing was familiar, and you were clueless as to where you were meant to go. Staying still could cost you your life, so you gravitated into the woods.

For just a second, you stopped to catch your breath. An ominous crack behind you electrified your body, heightening all your senses. Your eyes were wide open, ears sharpened, trying to make out if you were imagining things.

_Should I go check that out? Maybe someone’s after me… They’ll kill me on the spot. I should keep going, maybe there’s a chance I make it out alive. What am I gonna do once I’m back… Fuck, what if he doesn’t even talk to me once I’m back, what if he just acts like none of this ever happened? Will I still keep my promotion? – What if he didn’t even make it out alive?! I shouldn’t jinx it…_

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shut up. Stop thinking about this. You’re possibly about to be murdered and this is what you’re thinking about?! Idiot._

Distracted by the conversation you held with yourself once again, you had run quite far into the forest. Everything looked the same, you had no idea where to go. The noise from before left you with a lump in your throat, and the suspicion that someone might be after you was floating in your mind, growing bigger and bigger with each passing second. Instead of running faster though, your steps became slower and shorter the more you thought about it. Every direction looked the same, and you had lost any knowledge as to where you’d just come from. The branches came closer and closer and you felt your rapid breaths dry out your throat. Trees and branches were spinning around you, as the pressure inside your throat made it difficult to even swallow, let alone breathe. Once again, a big storm was forming in your mind, and you knew it was about to start raining, too. Waterfalls of hot, salty tears welled up in your eyes, even though you tried so hard to keep them in.

_Another storm and the city might flood._

Suddenly something grabbed your wrist and pulled you into its direction. Your feet stumbled over each other, and before you knew it, you were laying face first in the mud. The realization came to you, that this might be the moment you die, they had found you, and Mae and Kenji weren’t here to protect you. Cowering on the floor, all alone, hoping that the person who found you had more mercy than you.

“I’m so sorry, please.. Please just let me go. I don’t wanna die, I’m just-“

You spat those words out at a hundred miles an hour, while your eyes were squeezed shut in hopes that everything would go away. Rivers of tears flooded your face, but your attempts to wipe them away with your muddy hands made everything worse. Uncontrollable sobs filled the silence, as you tried to wipe away the mud and tears off your face.

“Quiet!” A deep voice whisper-shouted at you. One eye after the other slowly dared to open, as you grasped who was standing in front of you, still holding your wrist with a strong grip.

“Kylo! Oh thank the galaxies, you’re here. I- I thought you were dead. Why are you here… How’d you-“ He pulled you up quickly and led you through the forest, not a word escaping his heavy mask. Understanding what had just happened was not in the realm of possibilities for you.

All you could focus on in this moment was the big creature covered in black, pulling you out of the forest. His long fingers, covered in leather, gripping your wrist, pulling you out of the darkness.

As soon as that thought crossed your mind, his grip around your wrist tightened, leaving you to question if he had heard that.

After a couple of steps his command shuttle appeared between the trees and bushes, perfectly hidden away in plain sight. Your mouth was gaping wide open as you stared at it, weights fell of your shoulders.

_Kylo-fucking-Ren came back for you in his command shuttle. What in the actual fuck was actually going on?! I thought I was gonna die. Dead. No promotion, no Kylo, no nothing._

He pulled you up the ramp, for every step he marched, you had to stumble up two. Not a single word has escaped his cold mask since he found you, except for ‘quiet’. But the grip on your wrist didn’t loosen once you stood in the shuttle. The familiarity of the spaceship felt comforting, you were finally able to take a deep breath and look around. With a flick of his wrist, the ramp closed up. But as you took said deep breath, a pungent, sharp smell hit your nose. Your eyebrows almost met, as you tensed up your face in disgust. Sharp, smoking metal, open electrical cords and random broken pieces of the shuttle were scattered around you. Every single wall surrounding you was slashed up, with what you believed, his lightsaber. Kylo towered in front of you, acting like everything was alright.

“Kylo what the hell happened here?! Did you do-“ Your voice wasn’t heard, only hushed whispers escaped your mouth. He let go of your wrist rapidly, and as your hand fell, your stomach did too. You tilted your chin down, closing your eyes. Regret flooded your mind like an avalanche, ripping every positive thought you had at that moment with it.

_Did he do this because he was mad at me? Maybe I messed up, maybe the only reason he had to come get me was so I didn’t rat out any of the First Order’s plans to the Resistance. So that’s why he threw a tantrum. Makes sense. I’m so fucking stupid for thinking he cared about me. I could’ve stayed with Mae… And Kenji._

“I thought you died… During the explosion.” His words were calm, slow. And most importantly, they stopped your frantic train of thought, leaving your mind blank. 

With heavy thuds left by his boots, he walked across the shuttle and sat down on the pilot’s seat. You followed him with rapid steps, plopping down on the co-pilot’s seat. The familiar leather beneath your skin was cold, your fingers traced the armrest softly, eager to feel something they’ve felt before. The past day has been nothing but unfamiliarity and fear.

Soon after you had taken off, the planet beneath you became smaller and smaller with each passing second. You wondered how he made it down to the Headquarters of the Resistance, out of all places, without being noticed.

“First order cloaking technology… You didn’t think I was incompetent enough to land without a plan, did you?” His gaze didn’t shift to you, nor did it seem like he even noticed that he was reading your thoughts again.

“O- Of course not. Hey- can I ask you something?” You turned towards him, in hopes he would look at you.

His silence was louder than anything he could’ve said. His ignorance stabbed you in the chest a hundred times.

_Maybe I’m just being too sensitive. He’s never nice, this is nothing new. I shouldn’t get so upset over this._

But he had already put the shuttle on autopilot, silence filled your surroundings. All there was, were a couple million stars, and the two of you. And the silence. Sometimes, however, his silence was sincerer than his words.

“Why did you come back for me?”

Determination filled your voice. Maybe you didn’t want to be the kind of girl that’s scared to speak up. Maybe you wanted to be whatever the fuck you want to be. You didn’t want to be afraid to talk to him anymore. You jumped up rapidly, inspired by your newfound bravery. But your eyes were still avoiding his mask, your chin still tilted down. Perhaps it was a sense of false bravery.

“I had a feeling you were alive – You… appeared in my thoughts again, uncontrollably… But, you shouldn’t thank me, you should thank the resistance for being so incompetent. Otherwise I’d be picking up your dead body now.”

He rose up from his seat, stepping towards you.

Kylo moved his hand to your chin, grasping it softly between his fingers. He appeared like a mountain in front of you. Yes, his appearance didn’t seem human, everything about him left a void in your mind. You looked into his mask, hoping to spot his eyes, spot anything human. Anything to explain why you were feeling like this. Suddenly you saw it. His shoulders – they were rising, and sinking. He was _breathing._ That was it, that was the sign you were looking for. It wasn’t much, in comparison, it would be absolutely irrelevant with anyone else. But this was Kylo. This was the rain you were looking for during this drought.

“I need to see your face- Need to see you’re human…” You hadn’t thought about your words, nor how he would react to them. What if he lashes out again? Your gaze fell to the ground again, but Kylo’s fingers were still on your chin.

His long digits slowly tilted your head up and you felt his glare read your face. He was staring, looking beyond your eyes. There was no doubt left in your mind- he was going to keep his identity to himself. 

“You got injured, during the explosion. I felt it-- where?” The words felt like warm beams of sunlight hitting your skin out on a cold day on Ilum. You had no idea how much you craved these words. Kylo showing that he cared, at least a little bit.

Your fingers travelled up to the bottom of your shirt, lifting the fabric up delicately and revealing the bandaged wound.

  
His fingers, covered in dark, smooth leather slowly crept their way to the wound, hovering over it slightly. His body was closer than ever, so close in fact- you felt warmth radiating off of him. And if you listened very closely, you could hear the faint sound of his breaths under the dark, cold mask. Your eyes were wide, and you swallowed the rock that was stuck in your throat as you looked up at him. His digits grasped the fabric of your top and slowly started to lift it over your stomach. His stare was frozen on you, and you felt his eyes take in every inch of your bare skin. He slowly lifted the fabric over your chest and head, revealing your hard nipples to the cold air of the shuttle. You were so vulnerable, standing like this, in front of him, while he couldn’t even show you his face. One of hands trailed its way to your lips, pressing on them with his thumb. The harsh leather trailed over your skin, leaving it craving for more. Suddenly he stuck his long digits into your mouth, pressing down on your tongue. Your eyes were fixed on his mask, hungry, telling him quietly that you wanted more.

His other hand crept its way up to your chest, grasping your breast in it.

Darkness surrounded you, nothing but planets which were far, far away. The dim lights of the cockpit and the glowing red metal that he had sliced apart, lit his dark figure. With slow steps and pressure on your tongue, he pushed you further back, until you hit the cockpit with your back. The pressure on your tongue increased as he closed the distance between the both of you, pressing his entire body on you. Drool started to drip out of your mouth as you felt his cock press against your thigh. He pushed his fingers further into your mouth, and you had to fight back the urge to gag. His other hand had grabbed your breast, gripping your hard nipple with his fingers, squeezing it. The warmth which had formed between your legs had lit into a fire.

“Prove how much you want me.” He growled between his breaths.

You eagerly sucked on the dry leather of his glove, wrapping your tongue around his digits. A moan escaped your lips as you thrusted your hips into his, trying to adjust your body so that his length could slip between your legs.

  
“Look at how eager you are. I decide when you get fucked, though.” His words thundered deeply through his mask, a quiet grunt escaping it when you sucked on his fingers harder. The words were so disrespectful. You would’ve never let anyone talk to you like this- but this, this made you eager. It made you want him even more.

He shoved another finger into your mouth, which made it difficult to breathe. As you wrapped your lips around his fingers, you hummed in content. Your tongue mapped out every single crevice and fold of his salty leather glove.

“Good Girl” He said between grunts, while moving his hand from your chest to his crotch. You allowed yourself to close your eyes for a moment and enjoy the feeling of his rough leather glove against your tongue, and the sensation of drool dripping down on your breasts. As you gazed back up at him he pulled out his erect dick, the plain sight of how big it was made you choke on his fingers. The sudden pressure he applied to your tongue signaled to you what he wanted; you eagerly knelt down, keeping your eyes fixed on his dark mask, ready to do whatever he asked of you. He pulled his fingers out of your wet mouth, leading both his hands to the top of your head. With slow strokes he brushed your hair out of your face, and even though the cold mask hid his humanity, you felt his fixed gaze in your eyes. For this moment right there, felt like eternity. But even this so-thought eternity had to end. Neither of you two could compose their hunger for the other, the heat between your legs pounding, begging for him to put it out. His strong hand slid to the back of your head and led your lips to hover just inches above his crown.

“How much do you want me, princess?” His loose hand on the back of your head had turned into a fist, grabbing your hair and keeping it in exactly the place he wanted your head to be.

  
_Did he really just call me princess? This is absurd. Not complaining though._

“I want you, all of you. Please, Kylo!” You exclaimed between hot breaths, blinking at him longingly. The sweet sensation of your tongue licking your lips in preparation, made his grip on the back of your head tighten, letting your lips inch just a bit closer to his cock that was dripping in precum.

“What did you just call me?” His voice was so deep, it fell in and out of the synthesizer. Your heart was pounding out of your chest, the anticipation to take his full length in was too strong. His teasing was worse than torture, the wetness between your legs reminding you of how desperate you were for his touch. You wanted him – right now.

“Commander Ren! – Please, let me taste you!” You cried out in agony, staring at the full length that was right in front of your lips. 

“Good girl, that’s what I like to hear. Now, take it.” His hand led you to his crown, guiding you to take it in. As your warm lips enveloped the tip of his length, a groan escaped his mouth. In response, your tongue began exploring his tip, finally getting a taste of his warm precum. As the sweetness hit your tongue you hummed in satisfaction, while Kylo’s hand pushed your head further into his crotch, causing his length to fill up even more of your mouth, and coming dangerously close to hitting the back of your throat. But his cock wasn’t even all the way in your mouth. Drool began dripping from the corners of your mouth once again, as his length started hitting the back of your throat. He moaned deeply as your hot wetness engulfed him. Your tongue twirled around the tip of his cock as you sucked harder. Kylo thrust into your throat faster, each time more drool seemed to dribble down your chest, over your hard nipples.

“I’ve been waiting for this… “He hissed as he pulled in and out of you aggressively, moans and grunts escaping his mysterious mask. The harder he fucked your throat, the more tears started to form in your eyes. But you didn’t want to stop, for once, having no control felt good. The fire between your legs had gotten too intense, with every thrust your body losing control over your impulse. Your hand slipped to the button of your pants, trying to open it frantically. Kylo’s moans had gotten louder with each second, his hand pushing your head into his hips harder. Your fingers slipped between your legs, the wetness which had built up shocked you. A moan escaped your mouth as you started rubbing your sensitive clit.

All of a sudden you were empty. Kylo had pulled out his entire length and left you blinking blankly at him.

“Wha-“ Before you could even say a word he had pulled you up by your hair and pushed you back against the cockpit, cold air hitting the inside of your mouth that had been so full and hot just seconds before.

“Princess- I thought I was clear before, when I said that _I decide when you get fucked._ I’m not in the mood for punishment.” His bare cock was pressing against your hips, as one of his hands crept its way to your nipple, squeezing it roughly, to which you had to bite your lip to trap any sounds emitting from your throat.

“But I guess you just can’t wait, huh?” He proclaimed quietly. Within a blink of an eye he had lifted you up and tossed you onto the cockpit, your legs spread out in anticipation for him. His big hands had found their way to the top of your unbuttoned pants, slowly pulling them off, the cold air of the shuttle hitting your naked legs. He paused for a moment, as he admired you, laying there like that. One of his hands had already started rubbing his length as the other one slowly stripped your wet panties off. His hand travelled up to your lips again, pressing them down, feeling them. Your tongue dared to lick the salty leather of his glove, to which he responded by shoving one of his digits back into your mouth. Your tongue covered his finger, as your lips closed around it and sucked on it eagerly, proving him how thankful you were for his touch. His finger traced out of your mouth and down your chest, leaving a cold trail behind. It travelled to your breast, over your nipple, down your stomach, over your wound and finally dug into your hip, grabbing it with a rough grirp. His other hand shot to your throat, wrapping tightly around it, his touch hitting your skin like a tunderstrike. You gaped your mouth open in hopes of getting more air, but the tightness around your neck and the rough feeling of his leather gloves around your delicate skin made it feel like fire was flowing through your veins. He had stepped closer, positioning his length at your wet, pounding entrance. His tip was already rubbing at it, which forced a quiet whimper out of you, but his hold on your throat suppressed the sound significantly.

“You’ve been waiting for this, haven’t you?- For the Commander to touch you, to fuck you? You look so much better with my hand around your throat, princess.” His voice was electric, each word making you want him to fill you up more and more.

“Yes… Commander.” You managed to say in a raspy voice, gasping for air afterwards.

As soon as he heard the words come from your mouth he slid into you, taking up all of you. A thunderous growl escaped his mask, as he started moving in and out of you slowly, his length pushing against your walls. The pressure of his cock sliding into you was overwhelming, your eyes slowly closed, heavy, hot breaths finding a way out of your throat.

“Look at me.” His deep voice proclaimed between rough breaths, as he dug the tips of his fingers into your throat. You forced your eyes open, looking at him through dark, hungry eyes. He was staring back at you, taking in every single detail, grunts echoing through the ship. With each thrust he reached deeper and deeper into you.

You had wanted this so badly, for Kylo to take you rough, noisy. The hand that was grabbing your waist had crept down to your knee, stabilizing himself so that he could fuck you faster. You melted into his touch. Each thrust that went deeper into you sent shivers down your back, forcing you to arch your back into his movement. Pearls of sweat dribbled down your entire body, as his movements became more aggressive with each second. You couldn’t control yourself, so you let your eyes roll back, a loud moan bouncing off the walls of the Command Shuttle. You were weak beneath him, moments away from releasing all the pleasure this has been building up to.

“Commander…. Ren… I’m about to-“ You whined out, but before you could even finish your sentence, he pulled out of you, leaving you feeling empty and pouting.

“You don’t get to decide when you come. I do.” He said angrily while reaching to stroke his cock. You took a deep breath through your aching throat, when he finally released the pressure.

Your clit felt like it was on fire and it was pounding, aching for his touch, so it could finally release. His thumb reached your swollen clit to circle it, to which you moved your hips towards his hand, whining out in pleasure. Every touch to your sensitive area felt intense, electric. Your body couldn’t take it anymore, you were weak and, heavens, if he wasn’t there to hold you on that cockpit you would just slide off.

  
“Commander- Please, let me come!” You moaned out, looking directly at him with furrowed eyebrows and sweat dribbling down your forehead. His thumb was rubbing your clit, your wetness softening the harsh leather of his glove.

“That’s much better… Come for me, princess” He commanded, the echo of those words captivating your mind. Waves of pleasure flooded you, as your entire body shuddered through the volcanic release of pleasure. Your mind went blank as your body released all the built up pressure, cumming around his fingers. You threw your head back, more stars forming under your eyes than you’ve ever seen in the whole galaxy. As you moaned out a number of unintelligible curses, fire travelled over every inch of skin on your naked body. Grunts came from Kylo’s throat as he stroked himself faster. You released every single muscle in your body, laying on the cockpit like a mere shell of what you had been before.

“Down. On your knees.” He murmured out hastily, while putting his other hand on the small of your back to help you get down from the cockpit. You followed his orders, positioning yourself in front of him and wiping the layer of sweat off your forehead. Your whole body was still sensitive to any touch, the galactic amounts of pleasure which had streamed through you just moments before, still echoing through your blood. His dick was leaking in precum, the thick veins on his shaft pulsing, ready to release all the pleasure you worked for.

“Open.” He demanded in his monotone voice, leading his fingers, covered in your pleasure towards your mouth.

“Taste yourself. Taste how I make you feel.” He commanded.

You let his digits enter your mouth, sucking his gloves clean. Your eyes were glued to his mask, waiting for signs of approval. He took his fingers out of your mouth and gripped a handful of your hair again. His hips moved towards your mouth, positioning his cock so he could fuck your face once again.

You gaped your mouth open, ready to take his length in again. Before you could say anything, he bent your neck back by pulling your hair and drove his cock into your mouth. You tried to suck on it, but he was thrusting so aggressively into your throat that you couldn’t do anything. While he fucked your face, a stream of moans and grunts sounded through his mask, his breath coming in shorter bursts the faster he thrust into you. He pulled your hair harder, as he fucked into your throat a couple final times. Kylo hissed your name between his teeth as he came, moaning loudly. His whole body shook form the release of pleasure. You closed your eyes as he pumped his hot cum all over your face.

The hold on your hair was gone, but blood rushed through your ears as you returned to reality, catching your breath and opening your eyes. Kylo lifted your chin between his fingers and examined your face, lifting his digits to scoop all the remainders of his pleasure off your face. You knew exactly what he wanted you to do next. He moved his fingers into your mouth, and you eagerly sucked everything off his softened gloves.

“Good girl.” He said softly. The salty taste left a tingling sensation on your tongue, but you continued sucking on his fingers.

He fixed himself as you came back to reality. Pain was aching through your jaw, your clit, your knees. Your whole body was left in ashes, in the aftermath of a fire.

“Hurry, sit down. I have to get back to Starkiller.” He spat out, while returning to the pilot’s seat. You were still sitting on the cold floor of the shuttle, naked and barely back to reality. Hot, boiling rage flooded your face, teeth grinding and your self-control fading.

“What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have _anything_ human in you? No sympathy, no care for others? Are you just gonna treat me like thrash after using me? You’re an awful fucking person and you know it.” You shouted at him, while jumping up and throwing on your clothes, fighting with the button on your pants in rage.

_Why is he acting like this never happened. How can he already be over himself, I mean—how often does he **do** this?! It hasn’t even been a minute since he fucked me?!_

“If you’re going to be a naïve child, at least sit down and do so, I have to get back to my priorities. Your incompetence to follow simple orders is astounding.” His words were like knives stabbing you, shattering any sort of hope you had built up in your mind about him.

Without further protest you plopped down on the copilot’s seat, staring out at the stars blankly. Numbing was the pain you felt in your heart. Not because of heartbreak, that would be silly, but because of pity for him. Something must’ve hurt him really badly, to leave him scarred like this- feeling the need to compensate any kind of human emotions he showed you moments before, by stomping down on you, hurting you. You refused to believe him, the spark of hope in finding his good side was still ignited in you.

_Somewhere out there, buried beneath the stars lies the answer to his pain, and I’m going to find it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CAN EXPLAIN MYSELF, IM NOT DEAD SORRY
> 
> had to move across the globe due to the lovely *-ViRuS*- , so as you can tell I was busy, hehe. Anyways, I hope you like this chapter, & I hope the wait was worth it. 
> 
> is it just me or is it getting hot in here ??<3 ;)


	4. unreachable stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you arrive back on Starkiller, it seems as though you might've brought back more than just scars from D'Qar. 
> 
> What will happen to your promotion to Colonel? - And how will Kylo behave after your entanglement on the shuttle?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, nevertheless, a meaningful one. 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the lovely Julie, who's stuck with this story and me for a while now. She believed in it, even when I didn't! Thanks Julie, hope you enjoy it :)

Starkiller appeared in the distance as you approached it in suffocating silence, Kylo’s face glued to the front of the shuttle. He didn’t let a moment pass after landing the shuttle before leaving you sitting there, cowering in the co-pilot seat and millions of thoughts racing through your mind. As you propped yourself up, with no plan or knowledge as to what you were supposed to do after all that’s happened, the enormously consuming emptiness of the shuttle made you disappear. Suddenly a faint rustle in the back of the shuttle stiffened up all your muscles, and your eyes were drawn to the source of the noise, desperately trying to figure out what it was. A pressure in your throat built up, ready to release a scream which would’ve definitely alerted everyone at the landing pad. Before that could happen however, you were met with Mae’s worried face. A couple of _what’s, when’s_ and _how’s_ managed to escape your mouth but ultimately your jaw dropped and you couldn’t help but just to stare at her.

“What the hell did I just witness?” She whispered at you.

“You didn’t hear that… Did you?”

“Of course I heard it. I wish I could unhear it! Please tell me you aren’t sleeping with that killer.” She barked.

“Mae, he’s not what you think he is. You don’t know him.”

“How can you be so blind?! He’s just using you! Once he’s done with you, your corpse is gonna be flying through space and he won’t even think about it twice!”

The thought of him disregarding you so easily twisted your guts, but you couldn’t let yourself overthink this… situation, or it would be doomed.

“Forget it. What in fuck’s name are you doing here?!” You whisper screamed at her, glancing at the door to make sure nobody was eavesdropping.

“Look, I heard you sneak out of my room and I followed you. Once I saw that _monster_ I panicked and snuck on board when you got on.”

“Mae… You’re such an idiot. What the hell am I supposed to do with you now? I’m not authorized to fly privately, you’re stuck here. And if they find you, you’re dead.”

“Can’t you just… Ask Ren to let me go, since you two are already… involved.” She pleaded.

“No- Well, we don’t talk much. Or see each other much. You know what – it’s just… very complicated.” You stumbled over your words.

Her guilt-ridden eyes blinked up at you, a frown painted across her lips. You couldn’t help but at least try to find a solution.

“Fine- I can sneak you into my quarters until we find a way to get you back. Wait-“ You began undressing yourself, and Mae’s eyes followed in confusion.

“What are you do-“ Mae stammered before you handed her your uniform.

You walked over to the pilot’s seat in your underwear and grabbed Kylo’s robe, which he had left behind in the shuttle. Even though he might not have taken off his clothes, while you were left completely vulnerable, at least he took off his robe. Then again, maybe it just bothered him. The question whether or not he’ll ever reveal something about himself to you fogged up your mind, but time was of the essence here and Mae needed your help. You draped it over your body, and as you walked back to Mae, your legs stuck out of the robe with every step you took. You’d pay money to see him react to your attire right now. Mae had put on your uniform and looked down at herself in disgust.

“I never thought I’d be wearing the uniform of the enemy.” She barked.

“Don’t be dramatic, it looks good on you!” You playfully winked at her, while pulling on the robe in attempts to cover yourself.

“There’s no way you’re going to walk through Starkiller in Kylo Ren’s robe. Right? – Please tell me I’m right.”

“Hey- do you have a better idea?!”

“I guess not. But that’s a suicide mission, you know that. Everybody knows it’s his robe.”

You rolled your eyes at her and grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the shuttle. Mae stumbled out, and you were both met with the piercing glares of all the troopers on the landing pad. Mae’s chin shot up and her back sprung into a straight position, and even though you were pretty sure she was mimicking First Order officers, it did seem quite convincing. You nudged her into the right direction and she strutted forward, while you held onto Kylo’s robe, praying it wouldn’t reveal too much. You glided through the hallways until you finally arrived at your dormitory. Mae was looking for a door handle, or a code-bar desperately, but there was nothing. You moved her to the side and looked up at the massive sliding door.

“Permission – Open – Quarters 24.” You robotically commanded.

The door hissed open and Mae’s gawking face resided in your peripheral vision, to which you proudly grinned at yourself. The First Order might be intense, but they’ve got some advantages as well. Your body flew onto your bed and you grabbed your bedsheets, wrapping yourself in the comfort you’ve been missing. Mae was walking around your Quarters, scanning everything.   
  


“Not much personality in here, huh?” She noted.

“We’re not really… allowed much personal stuff in here.”

“Seems depressing.” She plopped down on the couch, which you barely got to use.

“Hey, I’m lucky. With my position I get to have one of the biggest rooms in all of Starkiller. You should see the little caves for the low-ranking guys.” You defended yourself.

“It’s nice, don’t get me wrong. It just doesn’t fit you, that’s all. I remember your place back home, it was so unique. Just baffles me that you can live without expressing yourself now.”

Mae stretched her legs out, making herself comfortable.

You didn’t want to answer her. She was right. You sat up to take Kylo’s robe off, gripping the soft material in your fingers. Who knew what was going to happen now? As you rummaged through your closet to find a shirt to sleep in, Mae’s quiet snores pulled a chuckle from you. She must’ve been exhausted.

You on the other hand, twisted and turned in bed for hours, trying to find peace in your situation. But the questions about your… involvement with Kylo and your future and career on Starkiller plagued you.

3.24 AM. The light of your bedside table’s clock shone faintly through your quarters, taunting you. As you turn once again, a sharp tension in your head makes your entire body twitch. Your cold fingertips gently massage your temples, to no avail. The tension got stronger and stronger, and you pressed your head so hard into your pillow, that your neck was straining already.

Three quiet knocks at the door snapped you out of your frenzy. As you shot up from bed, the cold Starkiller air left goosebumps on your legs. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind as to who could possibly stand on the other side of that door. After all, nobody has ever disturbed you at this hour of the night before you met him. You open the door and are met with the empty stare of his mask.

“Kylo.” You had no intention of being nice to him after the way he treated you in the shuttle.

“I’ve got matters to discuss.” To your surprise, he’s quiet for once, controlled. His voice doesn’t ring through your ears like it usually does, the technical sounds of his synthesizer nevertheless still echoing through your mind.

“Discuss… What?”

His eyeline doesn’t seem to be pointed at you. You usually feel when he’s looking at you, his piercing gaze burns into your skin. No, he’s looking behind you, scanning the dark corners of your quarters. That’s also when you realized that Mae was still sprawled out on your couch, fast asleep. Not even a moment later, he casually brushes past you, his body dangerously close to yours in that process. His black robes fit right into the darkness of your room. He was a shadow, taking a couple pensive steps before freezing in front of the couch. Exactly something you’d hoped he would oversee.

“Who is that?” He whispers at you, the tightness in his voice slapping you in the face.

“That’s… my friend Mae.”

His blank stare commanded you to continue speaking. You were sure, for some reason, that his eye twitched underneath that mask.

“Uhm… I’ve known her since my childhood, she uh – she works for the resistance now.” With every word you said, you felt the situation grow worse.

  
“You… brought a spy into our midst?” His words are clear. Angry, but clear.

“She’s not a spy! She saved my life on D’Qar and she accidentally snuck onto the Command Shuttle with us.”

Kylo stomped over to you, his body towering only inches away from yours. 

“You’re telling me… That she was on the shuttle as we-“ He hushed.

You nodded quietly, holding in your breath anxiously.

“And now you’re stuck here with a Resistance fighter.”

You nodded again, your eyes wandering down to look at his shoes. 

“Your incompetence is astounding. You’re acting like a child. You’re aware of the fact that I should kill you both on the spot right now?” Kylo’s words came out faster and faster with each second.

“I wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for her! She saved my ass after you dragged me to Kashyyyk! But you wouldn’t even give a fuck if I was dead, so it doesn’t matter.” You couldn’t control yourself any longer, the worlds just falling out of your mouth. Deafening silence overcame the room after you spoke, the tension you had created could’ve been sliced by a lightsaber.

“Of course I’d care, don’t you see what you do to me?! Do you think I’d be standing in your quarters at three in the morning if I didn’t care? – Do you think you’d even be alive if I didn’t care?!” He spat back.

Sudden speechlessness overcame you. This was the most genuine thing he’s ever said to you, and even though he’s furious right now – he still said it. Your eyes slowly wander back up to meet his mask. His shoulders are rising and falling rapidly and you swore you could hear his heart beat. And as you considered reaching out for him, hold his hand, hug him, anything, he was already gone. Now you knew for sure, that you weren’t going to sleep that night. Moments ago, Kylo Ren admitted that he cares about you.

Heavy bags had formed under your eyes as the early hours of the morning arrived. You had no issue getting out of bed, as you had been listening to your own mind ramble the entirety of the night. Any and all distractions were welcome.

_1 scheduled meeting: Command Center, 07.00 AM_

The words on your datapad shone into your face, leaving more question marks in your head.

_Are they going to get rid of me? Am I meeting with Hux or Ren? What if they kick me off of Starkiller – What if… they kill me? Maybe Kylo told everyone about Mae… No- would he?_

A million questions echoed through your mind, but you shook them off and threw on your uniform. Mae was still sound asleep, so you scribbled down a note on your datapad, leaving it on your bed for her to find once she wakes up. With a quiet hiss your door opened and you marched down the hallway, the polished floors of Starkiller flying by under your boots.

Once again you found yourself standing in the Command Center, everything towering over you in its superiority, leaving you wishing to melt into yourself. 

“Colonel.” His voice produced goosebumps on your neck, eyes shooting up to be met with his usual darkness. He just called you Colonel, at least you knew your job was still safe. A subtle nod pointed you towards a room which you’ve never paid any attention to, durng your visits to the Command Center.

  
It seemed to be an office, equipped with an enormous dark-tinted glass desk, holo-screens and other tech scattered around the place, as well as a big, leather seat. But it looked new, empty. The door shut swiftly, as Kylo gently flicked his wrist.

“You called for a meeting?” You cleared your throat.

“Yes. Due to your promotion to Colonel you need a Control Center. This is your private office. Comes with the rank.” His voice was contained, but you could tell he was genuinely excited to present you with this.

“This- is mine?” You scanned the room in awe, brushing your fingertips against the desk.

“Yes.” He sounded- happy?

This. This is what you dreamed of since starting your work for the First Order. Not the office- but the recognition. There were so many testosterone-fueled men in this fucking base and you were the one to make it up to this rank. In your own office. Privacy to fulfill your job. Your home-base was going to be in the middle of the Command Center. Which ultimately means that you were going to run into Hux, _and Kylo_ , more often now, but this was worth it. Now you were a boss. You could name every single person that was still higher ranking than you, and that meant something to you. As you couldn’t hold in your excitement anymore, you started to dance in place and glance up to Kylo. With a grin painted across your face, you skipped across the room and wrapped your arms around him. At first he seemed to be frozen, shocked. Your face pressed against his chest.

That’s when you realized, that this – maybe – wasn’t the best idea. After all, this was Commander Kylo Ren, not your cuddly little boyfriend. Your cheeks turned a dark shade of red, your adrenaline rush dying out, your grip on him slowly letting go when suddenly, his arms wrapped around you. For a moment your eyes felt like they were going to jump out of your face, your muscles tense, but without questioning it further, you let it happen.

Who knows when the last time was that he received a hug?

The hug lasted a couple moments longer than any normal one would, and his grip on you was a bit stronger than with any normal hug.

Cold; His scent filled your lungs as you took a deep breath in his arms. The smoke of a campfire, which has been smothered a long time ago coated his robes. Yet, the aroma of some kind of wood from a distant planet, somewhere in the depths of this galaxy stuck to him. And you swore, you could smell a faint scent of coffee on him. However, when you looked at him, you felt you were gazing at a distant star. Unreachable, untouchable. Yet always there, every night, waiting for you to spot it.

He backed away, almost awkwardly. His arms not knowing where to be, or how to behave now.

“I- have matters to attend to.” He cleared his throat, the synthesizer not exactly masking his voice through that action. Sometimes you believed, that you could hear his real voice underneath that mask, as if you were able to blend out the robotic part of his voice.

You found yourself floating through the room, and falling onto your new seat. The new leather felt soft under your fingertips, as you leaned back and a content grin grew on your face.

One of the holo-screens lit up in front of you, and a beep followed the activation.

“Hey” A message read across the screen.

“You there?” Another one followed.


End file.
